1, 2. What lesson was learned by an elder who counseled a sister?
Many years ago, two elders visited a sister who had not been to meetings for some time. One of them read him various Bible texts about attending meetings. He thought her visit had cheered her sister up, but as they were leaving she told them, "You guys have no idea what I'm going through." Her brothers had given him advice about her without asking her what problems she had. So the sister did not feel that she had been helped.
The old man who read the texts to him remembers what happened: “At the time, I thought I was being disrespectful. But when I thought better of it, I realized that instead of showing him all the appropriate texts, it would have been better to ask him appropriate questions like 'how are you?', 'how are you feeling?', 'how can I help you? ?'”. This old man learned a very important lesson, and now he is a pastor who helps others with empathy.
3. Who can give advice in the congregation?
The elders, who are pastors, have a responsibility to give advice to those who need it. But there are times when other brothers in the congregation may need to give advice. For example, someone may need to counsel a friend from the Bible (Ps. 141:5; Prov. 25:12). Or an older sister may have to advise a younger sister on matters such as those mentioned in Titus 2:3-5. And, of course, parents often have to advise and correct their children. So while this article is written for the elderly, it does us all good to review how to give practical and encouraging advice, which is what “rejoices the heart” (Prov. 27:9).
4. What questions will we answer in this article?
In this article, we will answer four questions that have to do with giving advice: What is the right motivation? Is it really necessary? Who should give it? And how can we give advice that has a good effect?
WHAT IS THE RIGHT MOTIVATION?
5. Why is someone more likely to accept advice if it is given lovingly? (1 Corinthians 13:4, 7).
The elders love their brothers. And sometimes they show that love by advising someone who is going astray (Gal. 6:1). Now, when an elder goes to advise someone, he should think about some aspects of love that the apostle Paul mentioned: “Love is patient and kind. […] He bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (read 1 Corinthians 13:4, 7). Meditating on these verses will help the elder to see if his motivation is love and to give advice with the right attitude. A person is more likely to accept advice if he feels that the giver cares about him (Rom. 12:10).
6. What good example did Paul set in giving advice?
The apostle Paul is a good example for the elders. For example, he did not hesitate to advise the Thessalonian brothers when necessary. But in his letters first he congratulated them for his faithful work, for his work motivated by love and for his endurance. He also thought about their circumstances and told them that he knew they were enduring hardship and persecution (1 Thess. 1:3; 2 Thess. 1:4). And he even told them that they were an example to other Christians (1 Thess. 1:8, 9). How happy they must have been to receive so much encouragement! They had no doubt that Pablo loved them very much. Therefore, the advice he gave them in his two letters had a good effect (1 Thess. 4:1, 3-5, 11; 2 Thess. 3:11, 12).
7. Why might a person react badly when given advice?
If we give advice with the wrong attitude, what an experienced elder said can happen: "There are those who react badly when advice is given not because the advice is wrong, but because it is not given with love." What is the lesson? That it is easier to accept advice when it is motivated by love, not anger.
IS IT REALLY NECESSARY?
8. What should an elder ask himself before giving advice to someone?
Elders should not be hasty in giving advice. Before giving advice to someone, an elder should ask himself, “Do I really need to tell you something? Am I sure he is doing something wrong? Is he overlooking something the Bible says, or is he just doing something I wouldn't do? A wise elder does not “speak quickly” (Prov. 29:20). If he is in doubt, he can discuss the matter with another elder to see if there is any biblical reason for giving the advice (2 Tim. 3:16, 17).
9. How can elders imitate Paul in giving advice on clothing and grooming? (1 Timothy 2:9, 10).
Let's see an example. Suppose an elder is concerned about a brother's way of dressing or grooming. He might ask himself, "Is there biblical reason to say something to him?" Since he doesn't want to be swayed by his own judgment, he might ask another elder or another mature brother for his opinion. Together you could discuss what Paul said about clothing and grooming (read 1 Timothy 2:9, 10). Paul did not give a list of rules about what can and cannot be done. Rather, he spoke of principles that guide us to dress appropriately, modestly, and with good judgment. He knew that Christians can choose how to dress and groom themselves, as long as they don't go against what the Bible says. In deciding whether to counsel someone, elders should consider whether the person demonstrates modesty and good judgment.
10. What should we remember about personal decisions?
We must remember that two mature brothers can make different decisions on a certain matter. But that doesn't mean one is right and the other is wrong. So let's not impose our opinion on others about what is right and what is wrong (Rom. 14:10).
WHO SHOULD GIVE IT?
11, 12. If advice needs to be given, what should an elder ask himself, and why?
If it is clear that someone needs advice, the next question is who should do it? For example, before counseling a married sister or a minor, an elder should discuss the matter with the head of the family. He may prefer to give the advice himself or to be present when the elder does so. Or, if it is a younger sister, it may be more convenient for her to be counseled by an older sister, as mentioned in paragraph 3.
There is another question that an elder should ask himself: “Am I the best one to give the advice, or would it be better for someone else to do it?”. For example, a person with low self-esteem may react better to advice if it is given by an elder who has had similar feelings, since he will treat her with more empathy. Of course, all the elders have the responsibility to encourage the brothers to make the necessary changes to act in accordance with what the Bible says. If someone needs correction, the most important thing is that he receives it.
HOW CAN WE GIVE ADVICE THAT HAS A GOOD EFFECT?
13, 14. Why is it important for elders to know how to listen?
Know how to listen. When an elder is preparing to give advice, he should ask himself, “Do I really know the brother's circumstances? Do I know what you are going through? Is he facing problems that I don't know about? What does he need most right now?
The principle of James 1:19 applies to those who give advice. Santiago wrote: "All must be quick to listen, but slow to speak and slow to anger." An elder should not assume that he knows all the circumstances of the brother he is going to counsel. Proverbs 18:13 reminds us: “Answering a matter before hearing the facts is foolish and humiliating”. It is best to ask the person directly, and for this you have to listen before you speak. That was what the old man we mentioned at the beginning of the article learned. He realized that, instead of starting the visit with the information he had prepared, he should have asked the sister questions such as “how are you?”, “how are you feeling?”, “how can I help you? ?”. If the elders care to know the situation of the brothers, they are more likely to help and encourage them.
ILLUSTRATION:
An elder listens attentively to what a brother tells him as they preach together.
Why must elders be “quick to listen”? (See paragraphs 13 and 14).
15. How can elders apply the principle of Proverbs 27:23?
Get to know the herd well. As we saw at the beginning, to get good results when advising someone, it is not enough to read a few texts and give some suggestions. Siblings need to feel that we care about them, understand them, and want to help them (read Proverbs 27:23). Elders should strive to be good friends with brothers and sisters.
16. What must the elders do in order for their advice to have a good effect?
Elders should avoid giving the impression that they only speak to siblings when they need to call their attention to something. Instead, they should get in the habit of talking to them and taking an interest in them when they are in trouble. An experienced elder says that if they do this, they will become good friends with the brothers. And he adds: "Then when the need arises to give advice, it will be much easier to do so". And, in turn, the one who receives the advice will find it much easier to accept it.
ILLUSTRATION:
The old man and brother smile happily as they prepare to go for a bike ride.
What should elders do to make it easier for them to give advice? (See paragraph 16).
17. When is it especially important for the elderly to show patience and care?
Show patience and affection. It is especially important to show patience and care when someone initially rejects Bible-based advice or is slow to put it into practice. The elders shouldn't be upset if that happens. They should follow the example of Jesus, of whom it was said in a certain prophecy: "He will not break a reed that is broken nor quench a wick that is barely burning" (Matt. 12:20). So the elder can ask Jehovah in his personal prayers to help the person see why he needs the advice and to put it into practice. She may need time to think about what was said to her. If the elder is patient and caring, the person will focus on the advice and not on how it was given. Of course, the advice must always be based on the Word of God.
ILLUSTRATION:
The elder gives the brother some advice based on the Bible. The brother has a hard time accepting it.
Why should elders give advice patiently and lovingly? (See paragraph 17).
18. a) What should we remember when giving advice? b) As seen in the image and in the box, what should parents analyze before advising a child?
Learn from your mistakes. Since we all make mistakes, we will not be able to perfectly apply the suggestions in this article (Jas. 3:2). We are going to make mistakes, but we must strive to learn from them. If the brothers see that we love them, it will be easier for them to forgive us if we do or say something that offends them. (Also see the box “A Message to Parents.”)
ILLUSTRATION:
A parent discusses from the Bible the best way to counsel their teenage daughter.
A message to parents
Parents sometimes have to advise their children. That is why it is good that they take into account the principles that are analyzed in this article. Before giving advice to their child, a parent might ask, “Is this really that important? Will I be able to speak calmly and lovingly to him, or should I wait for my anger to pass? Do I know all the details of the situation? Is my son going through something that I don't know about? After we have talked, will he feel that I treated him with love and that I was fair to him?” Christian parents should never treat their children harshly. Remember that Paul said, “Love is patient and kind” (1 Cor. 13:4). After all, his children are part of the “flock of God” (1 Pet. 5:2; Eph. 6:4).
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?
19. How can we gladden the hearts of our brothers?
As we have seen, it is not easy to give effective advice. We are all imperfect, both those who give advice and those who receive it. Therefore, let us remember the principles that we have analyzed in this article. When we advise someone, let's do it with the right motivation. Also, let's make sure that the advice is really needed and who is the right person to give it. Let's ask questions and listen carefully to find out what the person's circumstances are. Let's try to put ourselves in their place. Let us treat the brothers with affection and let us be good friends with them. Let's not forget our goal: to give advice that has a good effect and rejoices the heart (Prov. 27:9).
WHAT WOULD YOU ANSWER?
What should be our motivation when giving advice?
Show that love we have for that brother by giving them advice. The motivation would be love, by giving advice with the right attitude, a person is more likely to accept advice if he feels that the person giving it cares about him.
Who should give the advice?
Before counseling a married sister or a minor, an elder should discuss the matter with the head of the family. He may prefer to give the advice himself or to be present when the elder does so. A person with low self-esteem may react better to advice if it is given by an elder who has had similar feelings, since he will treat her with more empathy.
How can we give advice that has a good effect?
"Everyone must be quick to listen, but slow to speak and slow to anger." Proverbs 18:13 reminds us: “Answering a matter before hearing the facts is foolish and humiliating.” It is best to ask the person directly, and for this you have to listen before you speak.
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